Seasonal Folly


Breaking news: Santa Claus was spotted at about 5:30 PM tonight crossing W Street at 19th…on foot. Santa appears to have trimmed his frosty white beard short and his matching haircut is Marine-corps length. His cheeks were a slight pink, not the rosy red of his drinking days. Santa, instead of wearing his normally gay red suit, was covered in duffel bags and smaller packed red and white Target (pronounced “tar-zhay”) bags. There were at least 15 bags hanging off of Santa’s person, not to mention the three or four bags in each hand.

All of the above is true, except that there was no miracle on 19th Street. You may say the man crossing the street wasn’t the real Santa. But I would argue this with you. Santa really is a bag man, and this guy had bags. Maybe PETA got those reindeers off the job, and now Santa has to lug his own stuff. Maybe someone stole Santa’s sleigh, and you know how pricey sled insurance is these days. Looks like Santa now has to get a head start on his deliveries. I hope he doesn’t put any coal in my stocking.

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